It is sometimes said that David Brooks of the New York Times is the one conservative whom liberals like. I am not one of them. I find Brooks oily and often a bit smug. But I must admit I do like the level at which he discusses issues. Brooks more often than not looks at the the news of the day from the underlying values and dynamics, philosophical and sociological, that animate them. He likes to reach deeper. While I seldom agree with his conclusions, I do applaud Brooks’ approach as a commentator. This, to my view is the perspective that Ethical Culture should take. We are not a news service. Our role is not journalistic. It is to elucidate and reinforce values that underlie our manifest experiences.
With that said, David Brook’s Op-Ed of January20th in the Times caught my attention and won my assent. Not only did I affirm his voice, I concurred totally with his conclusions. It was an unusual piece because it dealt with what we might call a pastoral issue. It was a topic of central concern to me as an Ethical Culture leader. Entitled “The Art of Presence” it relates the tragic story of a family in which one daughter was killed and another suffered horrendous and lasting injury as a result of an accident. Brooks’ article was inspired by a blog penned by the surviving sister.
In it Brooks relates a dilemma we all face in attempting to support or console those who are suffering, and taking his cues from the writer, suggests what we ought to do and what we ought not to do.
Perhaps the most important thing we can do is simply be present for the other. I have found in my work, when confronting persons who are ill, bereaved or actively dying, our presence is mercifully all that people want and need from us, and it is enough. There is a pressure to want to do something, to alleviate the pain of the other, to say something that will console. But frequently out of that pressure, we make things worse.
Among the things we ought not say or do are the following:
- Don’t compare the person’s suffering with someone else’s. Each person’s tragedy is unique and comparing their suffering to that of another doesn’t help and may be a false comparison.
- Don’t tell people that that their suffering is all for the best. This no doubt will ring false. It doesn’t help.
- Don’t tell people in the face of great tragedy or suffering “you’ll get over it.” You don’t. In time one may get used to the tragedy, but great loss and the experience of searing tragedy in some sense stays with us for the rest of our lives. I know this personally, My own mother died when I was twelve, and I think of her almost every day more than 50 years later.
What we can do, as Brooks puts it, is “bring soup.”Often unspoken gestures are the most powerful. I remember having an acquaintance whose daughter was killed in a terrorist attack. A common friend came over and simply shoveled the snow from the grieving mother’s driveway and sidewalk. He couldn’t bring her daughter back. Nothing he could say could possible assuage the searing pain of losing a child. But a simple, quiet, kind gesture can go a long way.
And finally, the writer instructs us to be a builder. In other words, in the face of the pain of the other, don’t just parachute in and then disappear. But be supportive for the long haul. This, no doubt, is not easy and often tests our capacity for caring. But it is assuredly right.
In the face of the suffering of the other we are sometimes confronted with the decision to respond or not respond. Sometimes reaching out is emotionally awkward and difficult. But in my own experience I have found when in doubt, it is almost always better to be present. As mentioned, I often don’t admire David Brooks. But in this case, I tip my hat to him. He provides us with very relevant advice. And he got it right.
joe chuman 